Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, "50 Ways to Leave Your
Lover"? It's a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of
Simon's marriage). I don't want you to hop on a bus or drop off your keys, but
the song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.
See, the song's ultimate point is
that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow.
Whether you decide to leave or love, it's the decision that's most important.
Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.
You want to save your marriage,
right? Good; you know WHAT you want. The only question left is HOW. HOW will
you restore your marriage? Everyone WANTS to renew their marriage. But very few
people have a clue how to go about it.
Let's
be clear about one thing first. It happens through ACTIONS. You'll never talk
your way out of a situation you behaved yourself into. You must act.
Okay,
but what actions?
Within
the next 24 hours, I want you to try a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.
A
Talk Charge is a 60 second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a
NON- LOGISTICAL matter. It's a fun or frivolous chat. And you do NOT need your
spouse's cooperation. If necessary, you talk, they listen. A voice mail can
even work.
A
Touch Charge is similar, but it uses touch instead of talk. A Touch Charge is a
loving physical gesture with your spouse. It's not foreplay or an advance for
love making; it's just a warm touch for the sake of connecting in that moment.
(If you're separated or your spouse is resistant to your touch, the solution to
this problem is discussed in the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See below).
I
had private sessions with Cindy (not her real name). In one of our sessions, I
noticed that Cindy was resistant to incorporating Touch Charges and Talk
Charges into her relationship with her husband. She kept trying to change the
subject. She said she wanted to discuss "bigger" matters. I couldn't
imagine why she was so hesitant to do these 2 SIMPLE things. Finally, I challenged
Cindy and said, "Cindy, what's the problem? This is marriage renewal
101."
Eventually,
Cindy told me why she didn't want to talk about Touch Charges and Talk Charges.
"My marriage is horrible." Cindy said. "I need a BIG solution. I
just don't think talking and touching is going to make a difference."
Cindy
expressed a common thought, but she couldn't be more WRONG.
You
can't turn your marriage around with one Herculean event. There's no gift you
can give, favor you can do, or letter you can write. When your marriage is on
the rocks, it's common to want to "microwave" it better. But you
can't. There's no quick fix. There's no one thing you can do or say that will
turn things around. It took you years to get into this mess; it's going to take
time for you to get out of it. And what's the way out? Listen carefully.
Failed
marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL
THINGS in great ways over an extended period of time.
Do
you want REAL change in your marriage? Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do
them CONSISTENTLY. Talk and touch everyday, for example.
I
promised Cindy that if she would talk and touch REGULARLY, she would see a
dramatic difference in her marriage. I promised Cindy that if I was wrong, I
would personally fly to Nashville and do a full day "house call" with
Cindy and her husband no charge. Cindy agreed to try. I've still never been to
Nashville.
Og
Mandino says, "Take great comfort in knowing that ALL great feats are
accomplished one small step at a time." TAKE THE SMALL STEPS! They make a
BIG difference.
Do
you remember when you used to just talk? Not about who's going to pick up the
kids, make the dinner, or pay the bill...I mean just talk for the sake of
talking. If you're like most couples, you need to start talking again. Tell
your spouse about your dreams. Share your fears. Tell a joke. Talk about the
interesting person you met today or the experience you had jogging in the park.
In
the morning before you part for the day, share something with your spouse. In
the middle of day, call your spouse for a Talk Charge. You don't have to be all
sweetsie if you don't want to. But make sure you don't discuss anything
logistical. And don't fight! Just talk.
You
and/or your spouse probably feel you don't get enough attention from each
other. As discussed, it could be that you need to talk more. But you also
probably need to touch more.
REACH OUT AND TOUCH YOUR SPOUSE
TODAY.
Try a warm kiss or a gentle rub. Stroke their cheek or play with
their feet. It only takes a moment, but the positive energy can carry you
through an entire evening. (Once again, if you're separated or your spouse is
resistant to your touch, the solution to this problem is discussed in the
Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. See below).
When
you caress your spouse's hand, play with their feet, rub their shoulders, or
stroke their cheek, there's a moment there (if you do it RIGHT) when your
spouse knows that you are completely connected with them. Fill your marriage
with a few of those moments each day and your relationship will begin to
change.
Now
I don't want to leave you hanging...wondering what you're going to say and how
you're going to touch. I figure if there's 50 ways to leave your lover, there
must be at least as many ways to touch them or talk to them. So here's my
"50 ways" list. Don't be overwhelmed. Most of these won't work for
you. I created 50 so you would have options. My challenge to you is to pick 2;
in the next 24 hours do 1 Talk Charge and 1 Touch Charge.
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