In your eager to fix your
marriage, you may encounter resistance...from your spouse!
Your spouse may dwell on the 101
reasons why "this just won't work for us" and blame you for everyone.
Or, your spouse may be
emotionally "checked-out" of the marriage and not care about your
efforts to improve the situation or be willing to extend any effort of their
own.
This, by far, is the most common
question people ask me: "How do I get my spouse to change?"
Why would your spouse resist
change in your marriage and what should you do about it?
There's a deep-seated belief in
our culture that people resist change, no matter what. But is this true? Do
people really want things to remain status quo? Do we really not want things to
change? If you look closely at human nature, it's not change itself we resist;
it's change that's IMPOSED UPON US.
Think about it. We have no
problem with change that WE INITIATE. But when we feel forced or manipulated to
change, then we resist with all our might.
Your spouse may not be willing to
change for the sake of your marriage right now, but that's not because your
spouse doesn't want a great marriage. Everyone wants a great marriage. It's
because if they're going to change, they want the change to be THEIR IDEA!
Your spouse will change when
they're ready to change and not one second before. And the more you push them,
urge them, nudge them, ask them, scream at them, or beg them, the LESS LIKELY
they are to change. I know it's hard to wait, but you have to let it come from
them.
It's possible someone could
INSPIRE your spouse to change, but the person LEAST LIKELY to be the
inspiration is YOU. It's sad but true. A complete stranger is more likely to
get through to your spouse than you are. A chance experience or encounter is
more likely to shake up your spouse than anything YOU could say.
Mary Ellen (name changed)
registered for the Marriage Fitness Tele Boot Camp. She knew she had to make
changes and joined the program with a genuine interest to improve her marriage.
She wanted Tom (her husband) to be part of the process, but he wasn't willing
to join her. She had been asking him to go with her to get help for over a
year. But Tom consistently refused.
I spoke with Mary Ellen during
the boot camp and convinced her to back-off of Tom and just let him be for a
while. I counseled her to make some changes that created a more positive energy
in their relationship. When the time was right, I suggested that Mary Ellen ask
Tom if he would be willing to speak with ME during one of the Q and A teleconferences.
Mary Ellen's timing was good. Tom agreed.
Within 7 minutes of my
conversation with Tom he agreed to join Mary Ellen in the program. Mary Ellen
switched from the Lone Ranger Track to the Duo Track.
Why was I able to get Tom to
agree to something in 7 minutes that Mary Ellen couldn't get him to do in over
a year? It's true I know how to handle these situations, but there were 2 other
important factors:
1. For the first time in over a
year, Mary Ellen backed-off far enough so that Tom had the space to make his
own choice.
2. The inspiration came from
someone other than his wife.
Your effort to change your spouse
is probably COUNTER productive. The chances are good that you're "in the
way." You need to get out of the way and create the space for your spouse
to CHOOSE to change. That's the only way it'll ever happen.
I can't tell you how many times a
spouse will say to me that their husband/wife changed for a few days, but then
returned to their old ways. That's because they never really decided to change.
They were pressured. They were manipulated. And so it didn't stick.
If you tell your spouse what to
do; it's a challenge. If THEY decide to do it; it's a great idea. YOU HAVE TO
LET IT COME FROM THEM. That's the only way it'll make a difference long term in
your marriage.
Now you're probably thinking,
"Makes sense, but isn't there anything I can do to encourage my spouse's
choice?" YES, Samuel, there is! YOU CAN BE AN INSPIRING EXAMPLE and let
your spouse see how the choices YOU'RE making impact how YOU feel about
yourself and your marriage.
Resist the urge to believe that
your marriage won't change until your spouse "gets with the program."
The love YOU feel is much more a result of what YOU DO for your marriage than
what your spouse does for it.
We tend to think that the love in
our marriage is in our spouse's hands. But it's not. Love is a verb. And if we
do it - if we love - then we feel love. THE CHOICE IS OURS.
Consider the love you feel for
your children. Is it because of everything they do for you? Is it because
they're such angels? Of course not. The love you feel for your children is a
result of what YOU DO FOR THEM. The love you feel in your marriage is a result
of what YOU DO too.
Furthermore, there's no better
way to inspire your spouse to make the choice to change than to make that
choice yourself.
It happens quite often that one
spouse will register for the Marriage Fitness Tele-Boot Camp in the Lone Ranger
Track and then half way through the program they will switch to the Duo Track,
which is designed for couples participating TOGETHER. What caused their spouse
to change their mind? Simple. 2 things. First, they learned to create a space
in their relationship for their spouse to make a choice to change. Second, they
showed their spouse, through their EXAMPLE, how to make that choice and the
impact it could have on their marriage.
Very often one spouse will
schedule private sessions with me and ask if it makes sense for them to be
coached alone. The answer, Samuel, is ABSOLUTELY yes! One spouse can make more
than a 50% difference in a marriage. And that difference is exactly what will
get the other spouse to open up to getting advice too. As the saying goes:
"You can lead me a mile, but you can't push me an inch."
So, bottom line - as Mahatma
Gandhi said, "You must be the change you wish to see." It's YOU
changing that will have the greatest impact on YOUR EXPERIENCE of your marriage
AND it's YOU changing that will be the single most important thing you can do
to motivate your spouse to change.
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