One of the questions I'm most
frequently asked is, "How do you know when it's time to quit?"
In terms of when to give up on
your marriage, here's what I recommend.
If divorcing is a consideration
for you from a moral perspective, then before you go that route, try first for
at least one year.
Did you hear that?
Try for at least one year!
And I mean REALLY try. You can
always call it quits. You always have that option. But once you pull that
trigger, it's over. No more chances. Your life will never be the same. Do you
have kids? If you do, their life will never be the same.
If you end your marriage, you
don't want there to be a shred of doubt in your mind. You don't ever want to
look back and wonder if things could have been different. You don't want to ask
yourself, "What if this...and what if that...what if I tried this...what
if I did that?"
If you have to end your marriage,
you want to know DEEP IN YOUR HEART that you did everything you could to make
it work.
If
you have to end it, you want to be able to move on with your life and into
another relationship with a clear head. You want to come to a place of healthy
"closure." THIS IS CRUCIAL! And to accomplish this, in my experience,
it takes at least one year. I know it probably seems like a long time, but it's
an investment in the rest of your life.
Here's the key point. Listen
carefully. It's a good investment for the rest of your life WHETHER YOUR
MARRIAGE SUCCEEDS OR NOT. Obviously, it's a good investment if you turn your
marriage around. But if you don't, it will NOT have been a wasted year. It will
have been the most important thing you could have done with that year because
of how your effort will impact the rest of your life AND (if it comes to this)
YOUR NEXT RELATIONSHIP.
I have seen too many cases of
spouses ending their marriage prematurely, and as result of not reaching
"closure" in one relationship, they find themselves in the same
situation a few years later with someone else.
In private sessions with people,
sometimes the progress I help them make turns out to be more beneficial for
them in their next relationship than in their current one.
I remember once when the marriage
of someone who registered for the Lone Ranger Track of the Marriage Fitness
Tele-Boot Camp ended in the middle of the program. This man asked me if he
should continue with the final 3 weeks of the program. I said,
"Absolutely."
He responded, "Why? What's
the point? My marriage is over."
"You're not doing it for
this marriage," I explained. "You're doing it for the benefit of your
next one."
Now don't get me wrong. I'm not
saying that your intention while you're working on your marriage should be for
the benefit of your life after your marriage. Your intention needs to be to restore
your CURRENT relationship. But if you fail, your effort will NOT have been for
naught.
Bottom line is this. If you're
asking, "When is it time to call it quits?" The answer is: one year
after you think you're done. If after one year of trying everything in your
power to make your marriage work you're still miserable, then you should
consider moving on. Until then, hang in there and don't give up.
This topic reminds me of my
situation many years ago. I remember learning late one night that my wife had
an appointment with a divorce attorney the next morning. We were hours from
"done." Who would have ever thought that we could turn things around
at that point?
It's NEVER too late! In fact (and
here's real food for thought), very often the turning point in a marriage is
when a couple hits rock bottom. Sometimes it's not until things couldn't get
worse that they can get better.
Tomorrow:
"The Simple Truth About Your Marriage."
NOTE: DIVORCE IS NOT THE LAST RESORT TO SETTLE MARRIAGE CRISIS!!!!
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