If you're reading a report about
how to save your marriage, you're probably expecting to learn problem-solving
strategies, communication techniques, and insights about gender differences. Do
I have a SURPRISE for you!
The key to renewing your marriage
is NONE of those things.
How do I know this? Because I
experienced it!
Unlike
other relationship experts who approach the topic from a clinical perspective,
for me saving and restoring marriages is also very personal. I've been where
you are now. I'd like to share with you my story.
My
wife and I started out deeply in love. I remember staying up all night talking,
surprising each other with thoughtful gifts, and speaking to each other in code
words. You know the feeling of really being connected? That was us.
But
then something happened that destroys most marriages. We had a son who died
when he was one week old. And then we had twin daughters, who also died as
newborns.
Understandably,
my wife became depressed. I coped by immersing myself in work. We ran from each
other emotionally.
Your situation probably was not
so tragic, but something happened. What was it? How did you lose each other?
Maybe you can't put your finger on it, but something is definitely not right.
That's common too.
For
us, after losing 3 children, everything felt different. Instead of talking all
night, it was a chore to talk for a few minutes. Instead of using our code
words, we used curse words. Our relationship consisted of screaming matches and
silent treatments.
Somewhere
deep in our hearts though, like you, we knew we didn't want to lose each other.
So we made a commitment to work on our marriage. Sometimes I tried and my wife
didn't. Sometimes my wife tried and I didn't. We went through different stages
of "trying."
What
did we try?
We
tried the obligatory, "Honey, let me repeat what you said to make sure I
understood you correctly." We applied conflict resolution strategies. My
wife learned about Mars and I learned about Venus. We even went to therapy to
wrestle with our problems. But guess what. Nothing changed. Nothing worked.
All
the advice (books, counselors, whatever) asked us to confront our problems. But
that just made us feel worse. And fight more.
As long as the "right"
way wasn't working, why not be dysfunctional? So we tried to convince each
other of our way. You tried that too, right? Obviously, that doesn't work.
Then we had a breakthrough.
We decided to SET ASIDE OUR
PROBLEMS. We didn't talk about them at all. We didn't bring them up even once.
Instead, we put our energy into trying to connect. We used certain relationship
techniques that transformed our marriage. Not only did we resolve our
differences; we fell in love again! And we did it not by dealing with our
problems (as serious as they were), but by establishing new relationship habits
that brought positive energy to our marriage.
This is the solution to most
marital situations! Believe it or not, the secret is to STEP AWAY FROM YOUR
PROBLEMS and spend your time and energy doing specific relationship building
activities.
It's counter-intuitive, but if
you do this, most of your problems will dissipate, the threat of divorce will
go away, and the other people invading your marriage will become irrelevant.
Before you deal with your
problems, you first have to build good will with your spouse. And this is
doable even in the most difficult marital situations.
If your marriage is
stressed, do NOT tackle your problems. Stop talking about the affair, the
attention you're not getting, or whatever. If your timing is off, trying to
solve your problems will damage your marriage and make it LESS LIKELY that
you'll ever find resolution.
Now you can see why the Marriage
Fitness program is fundamentally different from any other approach to
relationship success. It's not about conflict-resolution or communication
skills because these are NOT the key to saving a marriage. The key is NOT to
fix what's wrong. The key is to make new things right.
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