RESENTMENTS
Resentments are the number one killer of all relationships. They
are a slow poison, undermining the love, trust and mutual respect you may have
once had with each other. It is critical in the treatment of relationships to
uncover these often unknown or unspoken resentments. Each person is then
responsible for discovering the part they played in the creation of these
resentments along with what they can do to improve themselves. The focus is not
on how the other person needs to change, but rather on what you can do to
change yourself to bring something better to the party. No blaming, just
self-responsibility. It's always a dance of two, never just of one.
Resentments crop up quickly as communication dwindles,
expectations are not met and old hurts (many of them from the early years)
begin to get "triggered" by relationship issues in the present. This
is an incredibly common, yet generally unknown source of pain in marriages.
Triggers are current experiences that bear a resemblance to ways in which
you've been hurt, abandoned or treated stemming from the past. They are often
not consciously connected to what's happening in your present relationship, but
when they are shown to you, they are clear to be seen.
An example would be when your partner takes a tone with you that
is reminiscent of an important adult from your childhood, who was responsible
for creating pain for you. Sometimes we have to think long and hard in order to
make these connections. A red flag that this is what's occurring is that you
are perceived to be overreacting to whatever is happening in the present . . .
sound familiar?
Resentments often build as a direct result of a person's
inability to communicate their needs and/or take responsibility for them in the
first place. Resentments lead directly to loss of respect for the other
person. Loss of respect leads to sexual problems, more bad feelings,
blame and distancing. Isn't it fascinating how all these issues just blend
together in one massive, connected swirl? The truth is, we can never really
respect ourselves unless we show the courage and the willingness to take full
responsibility for what belongs to us, which the other person did not place
there! Once the old hurts are neutralized (in addition to all the new ones
we've tacked on over the years) and each person has shown the courage to own
their part in the poisoned well, much healing is possible.
If you've ever been forgiven for your
"falls from grace" in life, you know how powerful a healing
experience it is. Much as resentments are poison to a relationship, ownership
and mutual forgiveness are its salvation.
Talk about a killer of trust and commitment . . . here is the
number one offender. My view on this deadly behavior is that this activity
occurs as a result of the breakdown of the relationship,
rather than being the cause of the breakdown. Do not mistake this
as any kind of condoning of this behavior on my part. No way. I simply want to
point out that people who are content and fulfilled within the marriage,
virtually never look outside of it to fill themselves up. Affairs are often
used as a way to lick one's wounds, to escape from the difficulties of the
current relationship, to abandon the responsibility we have to work on the
troubles in our relationships straight-up, rather than behind closed and
secretive doors with someone else. Sorry folks, it doesn't work that way.
If your connection to your partner is missing big pieces, start by
looking at what you are bringing to the party. If you're empty and
unfulfilled in your relationship, perhaps it's because you are not offering all
you could be to it! Looking for comfort elsewhere simply adds more pain and
suffering to what was already present. If you are the one who strayed, you have
the responsibility for failing to courageously face the part you played in the
unsatisfying elements of your relationship. If your own relationship was where
you put your energy (rather than with someone else) then your own relationship
would have gotten the benefit of your growth, rather than the pain of your
broken vows.
Relationships can heal from this most devastating of betrayals, but
full responsibility, remorse and true commitment to self-development must be
the foundation for the healing. You must be willing to do whatever it takes to
rebuild the trust that's been lost. Nothing less will do. Many do not have the
courage or character to take this on. If you do, you have the chance to create
an even deeper, more meaningful relationship . . . "What doesn’t kill us
makes us
stronger”.
Although these are certainly not all of the relationship
troubles which can befall us, they are the most common ones reported to me over
the last 20 years. They seem quite universal. Within each one of these issues lies
a wealth of fascinating information one can learn about oneself, which
can open the doors to a quality of relationship you have not
previously known. Make no mistake; it can be a great deal of hard work
uncovering the hidden aspects of yourself which cause you to trip and fall. It
is also worth every moment of the time and energy you put into it. Like
anything else you reap what you sow. Personal growth is no exception.
Unfortunately, it seems to be the preference of many to take the easy route and
simply blame others for their relationship woes. This, my friend, is a dead end
street. Been there, done that, doesn't fly. I encourage all of you who so
deeply want that connected, loving and satisfying relationship, to invest
yourself in what it takes to have it. You won't regret it.
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