UNFULFILLED EXPECTATIONS
One of the saddest set-ups in relationships is entering into
them with all kinds of expectations and then over the years, feeling
disappointed again and again that they have not been met. Part of this issue
relates to the childhood baggage I mentioned before. We often
have preconceived expectations of what marriage and relationships are supposed
to be like.
This can be derived from many different sources, not the least
of which is the marriage and relationship of our parents. That's the one we
lived and breathed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. That kind of exposure gets
absorbed, some on a conscious level, some on an unconscious one. The biggest
problem with expectations in general is that we may know what our expectations
are, but it unlikely that our partner does! Even more insidious and frustrating
is when we have these expectations and even we can't name them, yet we expect
our partner to fulfill them. There is one additional problem . . . contrary to
popular opinion, it is not the other person's responsibility to fulfill your
expectations. It is your job to learn to fill yourself up and then offer all you
can to the relationship.
The majority of couples I've worked with have entered into their
relationships with their focus on what the other person had to offer . . . not
on what they were bringing to the party. Again, we are often quite unaware that
this is our mindset.
We must be willing to look closely and
honestly at ourselves to see if these are truths about us. Not everyone is willing
to do this. To truly understand what you are seeing in another, you must first
hold up a mirror and understand what you are seeing there.
This topic is so huge and complex an area that I can only give
the briefest of introductions in this format. Sex is
one of the most common areas of conflict in many relationships, but
make no mistake, it does not stand alone. Ruling out any physical or medical
causes of difficulty, it is usually in some way a reflection of whatever state
the relationship is in. For instance, if communications have become hostile and
withholding (for punishment or defense purposes) that hostility manifests
itself sexually as well. Often this is one of the natural outcomes of what I
talked about in "Unfulfilled Expectations".
Chronic disappointment and dashed expectations can manifest in a
serious loss of intimacy in a relationship. Not being able to identify what the
expectations are, no less clear them up, makes matters even worse. If there is
a lack of intimacy with regard to the basic friendship in the relationship, it
is also expressed (or not!) in some manner in the bedroom.
To further complicate matters, as rule sexual
interactions mean something different to men than they do to women. Women
like to feel emotionally connected before they become physically connected.
Men, on the other hand, often use sexual activity to get connected in the first
place. (It's a cruel joke of the universe I think). Ever notice how much more
he talks and listens after lovemaking? There's no coincidence there, ladies.
And guys, ever notice how much more interested she is in sex after you've
offered her some "real listening time" about something she really
cares about? No coincidence there either.
The main issue here is that it is a mistake to hold your partner
responsible for your needs. Rather, you would do better to look
at how desirable you've made yourself to your partner with your own behavior
and attitudes.
If your sex life is in need of a tune-up,
chances are your relationship needs tuning first.
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